Feeling unhappily bluish

This is my sixth post. Except two, all are waiting to be published. Did you feel dislocated anytime anywhere? Feeling of dislocation never leaves me. It clings to me as a child does to her mother.
Wherever I go, I carry my broken emotions of dislocation. There is something that always tells me I do not want to stay here ( "I should not" can be the nearest words); I should not work here (I believe I can do better work in a better way than these fools, but I cannot prove myself a better fool.). I remember someone's words," 'manzil' looks beautiful, appealing but the way to 'manzil' will be ugly and obnoxious". There is something that always tells me I want to go back ("go back " - where ? I could not find an answer ) ; something tells me I want to go back to my future ( as if I already exist in the future; as if it is a past nightmare I am living through once again. Future is some delightful moments conceived by my imagination). Something always tells me I hate the people around and I should go to a better place with a hope of meeting better people (eventually I fail, as always, and I find same faces all around) ; something tells me I want to go home, to my room for a fresh breath of air through my window ( But I do not want to go back to Calcutta. Yet I long for the day when I will be together with my parents) . I hate the smell that arises from the hair (from oily, sticky hair that hasn't been washed for months probably) of "nobody(ies)" standing, sitting beside you in the bus. The men try to make their penis touch softly somebody's arm, somebody's shoulder ; make their sweating backs feel somebody's breasts. I often observe these when I do not have a book to spend my strange journey twice a day.

Sometime, once in a while, I want to sleep under a partially cloudy breezy night sky. It takes me away from the crazy, uncouth and confused facets to seek peace within myself (even for some moments) .





P.S. Did I sound frustating? I did not want to. I think it should not matter as long as I can put across my thoughts ; as long as it does not become an issue of displeasure for my readers (I hope that hasn't happened either).